Why a Full Room Can Still Feel Empty
Day 104 - 110 / 1000
Loneliness does not always look like being alone.
Sometimes it is standing in a full room with no idea where to sit.
This week is about friendship, community, being seen, and what it takes to open the door between us.
Here is what has been on my mind this week:
A Room Full of People
Alone Is Not Lonely
Being Seen
The People Compass
Building Community
The Downward Arrow
Opening the Door
1. A Room Full of People
We all feel lonely sometimes.
Even those of us who are extroverts.
It is those moments when you feel lonely even in a room full of people.
The World Health Organization reports that between 17% and 21% of people aged 13 to 29 feel lonely.
We have never been closer to people from all around the world, yet some of us can still feel deeply lonely.
When feelings like these appear, you might ask yourself what you are doing wrong.
Let me give you an example from my life.
A couple of months ago, I went home to Slovakia to visit my family and friends.
I also attended the final classes of a digital marketing course I was taking.
There was a networking event after the lectures, and it was one of the main reasons I went to Slovakia.
I wanted to meet my classmates from the course at least once, since I had completed the entire six-month program online.
I walked into the hall where the networking event was taking place.
Everyone seemed to know at least someone.
People were forming groups and sitting at the tables together.
It felt really nice to be surrounded by all those people, but it also felt quite lonely, and I had no idea where I should sit.
What was going through my mind as I stood there?
I saw an empty table in the corner and wanted to sit there.
That way, I would not be forced to talk to strangers.
In the end, I convinced myself to be braver, go out there, and find an empty seat at another table.
Fast-forward to when I started talking to people, exchanging ideas, and sharing LinkedIn connections. I felt amazing.
I did not even want to leave.
The point is that we are used to having conversations and interactions with others through screens.
We have fallen out of the natural rhythm of communicating with people outside our bubble.
And because communication is the glue for connection, we can feel lonely without it.
When was the last time you spoke to a group of people you don't know?
And how often do you leave your comfort zone?
2. Alone Is Not Lonely
Do you know the difference between being alone and being lonely?
Many people tend to think they are the same thing.
Well, they are not.
When you are alone, you are simply with yourself, whether in a restaurant or at the cinema.
It is more about your physical presence, doing something purely on your own, than your emotional state.
On the other hand, loneliness is directly connected to your emotions and feelings.
After a conversation with a friend a couple of years ago, I discovered that being alone with yourself and doing activities alone feels unnatural to some people.
She was amazed by how I could go to the cinema on my own or travel somewhere solo.
She could not imagine doing that.
She told me that even watching movies or going for coffee alone felt strange to her.
I realized that, unknowingly, I had learned a skill with so much value, one that allows me to explore the world more freely than I thought.
Since then, I have done so much on my own, and it still feels great.
Of course, on the other hand, there are certain activities which are just more enjoyable in two rather than alone.
What is your favorite activity to do on your own?
3. Being Seen
When was the last time you felt seen?
You know that feeling when someone really sees you as you are and is genuinely interested in getting to know you better.
It makes the conversation feel very different.
For me personally, being seen is very important.
I do not need you to be impressed by anything I do, because I do not need to be admired or praised.
Being seen means so much to me, especially because of my tendency to please other people.
Being seen and being praised for hard work are fundamentally different.
I remember a conversation with my roommate a couple of years ago, when I lived in Copenhagen.
It was still quite early after I had moved into the apartment.
She asked me a question I was not expecting: “You are quite hard on yourself, right?”
It might not seem like a way to feel seen by another person, but her question back then made me feel that she saw me.
Because I was hard on myself, indeed.
Hearing that from someone who did not know me well back then felt like an internal signal that my hard work was visible.
Do you remember the last time you felt genuinely seen by another person?
What made it different from an ordinary conversation?
4. The People Compass
Have you noticed that as you get older, it becomes harder to make new friends?
When we were kids and later teenagers, it was so much easier.
It was part of the natural flow of life.
As we get older, it feels like we pick up new standards for friends.
We filter people out much more quickly and become uninterested if even the slightest thing feels off.
If you have moved abroad, chances are you have experienced one of two scenarios.
First, it is a new city and a new country.
You do not know anyone, and it feels really lonely until you get along with some people and eventually make friends.
Second, it is a new city and a new country, but for some reason, things click with many people really quickly because you are all expats living outside your home countries and trying new things in life.
It is interesting how we sometimes build connections really fast.
At other times, it might feel like there is no one to talk to.
It is also a great opportunity to set up your people compass.
We can all use one because it tells us what we have learned about what real friendships require, and which people we do not want to be part of our lives.
How is your experience with making friends in adult life?
5. Building Community
What is the importance of community in your life?
The internet, and especially social media, allows us to be connected with almost anyone, anywhere in the world.
So, how can you connect with a community of like-minded people around you?
First, you can go to places where people do the same activities you enjoy.
You can join a local chess community, go to pottery classes, or become a member of the running club organized by your local coffee shop.
Second, you can engage in conversations with people you do not know.
You can learn how to network and find more ease in communicating with others who might share the same interests as you.
Because if you do not talk to people, you do not get to know them.
If you do not know them, you cannot build relationships.
And if you cannot build relationships, you cannot join or build a community.
With one exception for communities built around sitting in a quiet room without talking, if you are into that.
Third, keep nurturing the relationships you already have.
Relationships are there to be taken care of, not found and forgotten.
It is like flowers.
They need care so they can grow.
Each of us has had a flower we bought for our apartment and then forgot about.
The outcome was unsurprisingly not that great.
The flower died.
I hope you get the point.
The importance of community in our lives is significant.
We are built to connect with others.
We are wired to explore the world around us with other people, share experiences with them, laugh together, cry together, and go through the ups and downs of life.
It might be uncomfortable.
It might even be scary.
But you can go out there and build your community.
You can bring in people who can grow and evolve to become stronger and better together.
People who will make the world a better place with you.
I hope this serves as a reminder for you in the same way it does for me.
Everything I wrote here was a direct conversation with myself as well.
Let us build a community where we can all grow together.
6. The Downward Arrow
What do you need in your life right now?
At first, answering this question might feel pretty straightforward and impulsive.
Health, money, love, free time, and that is about it.
But is the answer really this straightforward?
If you take more time and let the question soak in a bit, a couple of other layers underneath the surface might come up.
I did a similar exercise with a friend of mine a couple of years ago.
I was going through one of the low periods in life when you fight something really hard but do not really know what you are fighting.
She offered to do this exercise with me as part of our friendly talk.
She asked me two questions that helped me uncover a huge piece of the struggle back then.
And I think it might help you today too.
The first question is directly about the specific problem, fear, or need you have in your life right now.
For example: What do you need in your life right now?
After answering the first question, you continue with something called the “Downward Arrow Technique.”
The second question repeats itself up to five times until you reach the bottom.
You ask yourself, “What does that mean to me?” or “What happens then?”
It always connects to your previous answer and guides you one step further.
Once you uncover the last answer, you might find that the surface-level problem or fear was not even close to the real cause of what you are going through.
After going through this process, you might find yourself answering differently.
Here is your chance to try it right now.
When was the last time you stopped and asked yourself what you need in your life?
7. Opening the Door
How can we embrace taking risks?
Every one of us has experienced the fear of the unknown in life, whether it was between jobs, moving, partners, or other life choices.
Often, we tend to inflict irrational fears on ourselves when we face certain decisions.
It is the brain trying to protect us by spoon-feeding us all these potential scenarios in our thoughts.
The brain is our greatest power, but at the same time, our greatest liability.
You know the situation.
You are making a big decision in life, and for three months, you overthink and feel stressed because there are so many things that could go wrong.
All of this just to find out in the final week that you managed everything.
The things you worried about got sorted out, or you accepted reality as it was at the time, even if it was not perfect.
You suddenly feel things fall from your shoulders because you realize there was no reason to be so stressed the whole time.
Despite the fact that we have all experienced similar situations with similar outcomes, we still tend to be afraid of the unknown and often postpone taking risks.
Why? Because of loss aversion.
It describes how potential losses often weigh more heavily in our decisions than equivalent gains.
So, how do we embrace taking risks?
The answer might sound primitive, but we embrace taking risks by taking them.
There is no other or better answer to this.
How else are you going to find out what is on the other side of the door if you never open it?
How are you going to know if that girl is interested in you if you never talk to her?
How are you going to find out if you like that career if you never try it?
How are you going to grow in life if you never take risks?
Look, I know it is sometimes easier said than done.
But if we stay in our comfort zones, waiting for the world to make our lives better, we will be waiting in line for a very long time.
Each of us carries some responsibility for making life better.
I am not talking about achieving more.
I am talking about living the life you want.
That life asks you to take control and responsibility, which includes taking risks.
What is the biggest risk you have ever taken that worked out well?
I aim to deliver the most personal stories, insights, and lessons from real-world experiences I have lived through over the past decade.
As I continue building my life and trying to be a better version of myself, I am documenting this journey and the lessons from my life for people who might need to hear them.
Lukáš